13 Reasons Why: My 100% honest review/ opinion

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past month, it is likely that you have heard of the phenomenon that is "13 reasons why." Originally a young adult novel, this story was adapted into a Netflix original series, consisting of 13 episodes to tell the heartbreaking story of a girl named Hannah Baker who commits suicide. I know. That's a heavy subject for teens. That's a heavy subject for anyone, really. And as I'm sure you've also heard, this series has stirred quite a lot of controversy in it's wake. And the truth is, it's for good reason. As someone who is involved in the lives of teenagers, I decided to write down my honest opinion on the show because, why not? I am not a professional when it comes to any of the subjects presented in this show. My hope is simply that I can give some insight on what has become a hot topic for parents and teens.
I apologize in advance for how long this article could be. I don't mean to bore you, but I also think it's vitally important to touch on several of the issues presented in the show. Like I said before, I had heard of the controversy long before I decided to watch the show. It was only because a friend of mine was watching it, and I made a joke to him about " being so controversial," that it even really got on my radar to watch. He suggested I watch it for myself before taking a side, which I thought was fair. I've come to find as a believer that something is usually controversial for a reason. It's our job as Christians to find the truth in the midst of the controversy, no matter how hard that might be, and point it back to Christ. It's not our job to duck our head and shy away from it. This was my mindset as I began to watch "13 reasons why. "
From the beginning, the show grips you. It's not fair to call it entertaining, because that's simply not the correct word. The directors did a fantastic job on putting together a group of actors that made the show really, REALLY real. And raw. And shocking. And haunting. And I think they did this unapologetically. With every single topic they touched on, they did so with the intent to make it as real as possible. To get you to truly THINK about why they portrayed things the way they did. That's what made it almost harder to watch than a dramatized series. I felt like I was watching a group of kids lives somehow played out on the big screen. If you don't know the basic premise, let me give you a brief overview. From the beginning you know that the character of Hannah Baker commits suicide by slitting her wrists and bleeding out. But before she ended her life, she recorded a series of tapes she intend to be sent around to various people to tell them her reasons why she ended her life. The series centers around a boy named Clay Jensen, someone who cared deeply for Hannah. It's a journey of present day and flashbacks intertwined to give Clay the answers he's seeking. And, I suppose, a way to give some sort of reason to the act of suicide. I know that a lot of parents have been debating whether or not they should let their child watch the show. And actually, there have been a lot of adults wondering if the show is something they should watch. I will say this, if I had a teenager, I don't think I would let them watch it. Though I believe that most of the teens in the world face these issues day in and day out, it was intensely graphic. That being said, that is the very same reason I might let my teen watch it. It's too real and too well done to just dismiss it in spite of the explicit nature. I think the decision should truly be left for the parent to decide. If you don't let your child watch, I encourage you to watch it and have the important, hard conversations you need to. Because not only will other kids be watching, but it is likely your child will be faced with at least some of the things presented in the show. I can neither condemn or condone this show. I can't give a red or green light. It's far too complex for a simple " yes" or "no."
But let's get into the subject matter of "13 reasons." This show dealt with a lot of very hard subjects. The language was atrocious, there was teenage sex, use of pornography, drinking and partying, child abuse, uninvolved parents, homosexuality, bullying, lying, drug use, graphic rape scenes, and ultimately suicide. Following the journey of Hannah and Clay was intense and difficult. You found yourself rooting for Hannah even though you KNEW all along she was dead. I think that's something that could be quite dangerous for kids watching. As an adult I had to remind myself "this girl was so desperate she took her own life. This isn't a story of romance, or friendship, or happiness. She is gone. This is the journey to that moment." I instantly got the "red flag" feeling thinking about the teens I knew, because Hannah is sadly a character that could be very relatable. Not everything done to Hannah was completely terrible. There were some heartbreaking, unimaginable things to be sure. But it was the accumulation of hurt and no outlet for her to share her pain that was scary. It was hard enough for me to separate what I already knew would happen to her, to what I WANTED to happen to her. What I WANTED her to know or feel.
 There was a lot of debate as to whether or not the show "romanticized suicide." As stated before, I'm no expert but I don't necessarily think that it was simply suicide was what was romanticized. I think what is far more dangerous is the fact that the character of Clay loved Hannah so deeply, that even after she had taken her life, he fought for her. Fought to defend her and find out her truth, and the real truth. For a struggling teen, it would be easy to think that taking their life might produce both the revenge and the love they may be seeking. Suicide might appeal as a way to receive the validation they've been wanting. On the flip side, there was something poetic and beautiful about the way Clay DID defend Hannah's life and seek out the truth. That he was able to realize and recognize things through her tapes that he otherwise would've been oblivious to in other individuals. As an already compassionate protagonist, his character grew even deeper in the convictions of right and wrong and in turn challenged others around him to do the same.
Another piece of this show that I found extremely important was how uninvolved the parents were in their kids lives. This wasn't your typical teenage drama where parents are just oblivious and aloof and unintelligent. I don't know if it was the intent of the show, but I believe they did a very good job showing how parents NEED to be more involved in their children's lives. Again, I am not a parent so I've never had to deal with the ups and downs of parenting. But let me just say this to you parents, PLEASE GET IN YOUR KIDS BUSINESS!!! Even Clay, the main character kept his parents at arms length when they tried to reach out or get answers as to what was going on in his life. But they gave up trying to find out without a fight. Your child's life is not a T.V. show, and most kids aren't as valiant as Clay. Please ask questions, get answers. Snoop for heavens sake! I know that your kid will be mad about you "invading their privacy," but you have a right to do just that. I remember my mom reading my journal while I was growing up. Sometimes she'd approach me with a subject I'd written about and you better believe I was mad as I'll get out at her. But it also allowed her to talk to me about things I never would've approached her with. It allowed her to be there for me when things were tough. I'm not saying that you should't let your kid live and grow and make their own decisions. But please, be involved. More involved than you maybe think you should be. Most of the parents in "13 reasons" loved their children deeply. Hannah's parents loved her deeply. But they got too distracted by what was going on in their lives to notice things that were wrong in hers.
The next thing I want to talk about is the graphic rape scenes. It sickens me even now knowing they were in there. But sadly, it's something that young women in the world have to face far too often. These scenes were heartbreaking. I cried a lot during them. The reason I want to bring them up is because I think in terms of the show, they were needed. I know this sounds crazy, but far too often, things of that nature are just brushed over. It can become so easy to see rape as a concept, rather than a reality. We have to be aware of the fact that our young people, especially our young men have been increasingly desensitized to what sex is intended to be. Through pornography and the oversexualization of society, the gift of sex, and the gift of a naked female body have become nothing but a simple commodity. From the beginning of the show, Hannah is subjected to ridicule for sexual escapades she didn't even have. The character in the show that rapes not one, but two girls at different times comes to a point where he states " If the way she acted made this rape, then every girl in this school wants to be raped." While the two young women left to deal with the aftermath of what happened to them crumble to pieces unsure of how to move on. It's a sad reality that we have to be more aware of what goes on not just with teens, but people in general. We have to be honest and educate our daughters and sons on God's intent for sex. God's intent for living as brothers and sisters. God's intent for respecting one another.
The last thing I want to touch on is the actual suicide. As I began the last episode of the show, I braced myself knowing what was coming. I suppose I was expecting an overly dramatic portrayal of Hannah's suicide, even though the show had done an excellent job of being anything but overdramatic. So while it was intensely graphic, it was not what you would think. I hate to say that it was simple, but it really was. But that made it even harder and more heartbreaking to watch. It was just so real.  On Hannah's last day of life, she had her tape recorder on in her backpack, and she states that she's going to give life one more try. She decides to reach out for help by going to her school councilor. I have mixed feelings about how this interaction went down, because the character of Hannah was clearly desperate, and the councilor tried just a little to reach her. She didn't state that she wanted to kill herself, but clearly allowed him to see things were not good. It was a give and take of him not saying the right thing, yet encouraging her to keep talking that made this extremely difficult. She was already pretty decided when she went into the office, and I don't think he could've done anything to change her mind unless she had really been open about the severity of what was going on. But maybe he could've. I think it's fair to say that he cared in the way he knew how to at that moment. Unfortunately it just wasn't the right way. It's hard not to blame the people in Hannah's life until you stop and remember that ultimately, she chose what she did. Either way, your heart broke as Hannah got home from school, filled the bath tub, got in with clothes still on and took the blades to her wrists. I felt almost immediately that her face showed regret, but quickly turned to resignation. A few minutes later, you hear Hannah's mother outside the bathroom door asking her why in the world the water was still on, telling her to shut it off, it was flooding the floor. My heart instantly dropped as her mother opened the door, realizing what was going on. Again, not overly dramatic, but heart wrenching. As I'm not even parent, I couldn't even imagine that kind of devastation.  I cried a lot the whole last episode, but especially during that scene. From the moment Hannah walked into the bathroom I cried out "Oh Lord Jesus, " and sent a prayer through my tears for the Hannah's of this world. For the Mother's and Father's of the Hannah's. The show ended with a call that another student from the school was in critical condition with a gun wound to the head after they'd attempted to kill themself. And I sadly thought how accurate something like that would probably be.
With all of those subjects talked about, let me state some very simple truths. For as hard as it was to watch " 13 reasons Why, " I definitely don't regret it. It made me think. I'm still thinking about it. But not just for the shows sake. I'm thinking about how Christ wants me to respond to this show, and more so, how he wants me to respond to the kids in my life. Because even though Hannah and Clay were the main characters, and even though Hannah dealt with a lot of horrible things, so did the other kids. Your heart broke for a lot of them. I had a brief conversation with the friend that suggested I watch the show, and he asked me what I thought. I said " throughout the entire show, I couldn't help but think what could've happened if Hannah had  been loved by a flawed individual that was dripping with Christ's love for her. Could you imagine how different her response to things could've been?" It made me think about Luke 6:31 " Do unto others as you would have them do to you."  Luke 6:35 " But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." Romans 12:9 " Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." Mark 12:31 " The second is this: ' love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Romans 13:10 " Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law." and finally 1 Peter 4:8 " Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." I believe that we as Christians can use all the hype and obsession of "13 Reasons Why," to bring glory to the One True God. I actually believe a show like this couldn't have come at a better time. Whether or not you choose to watch or let your kids watch, let us as the body of Christ rise to the occasion and shower the world with Christ's love. Let's not shy away from the things that are hard to deal with and the sin that's anything but pretty. This show was the perfect picture of the fallen and broken world we live in. There is hope for the Hannah Baker's of this world. Hope for all of the kids portrayed in the show. Hope that we as believers are called to provide. So let's be real with our kids, let's be vigilant, and above all, let us love one another deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins.

Here's to your adventure

To my beautiful sister,

Well, I truly mean it when I say I cannot believe that it's finally come. I don't know if I just never really believed it would get here, or if I just told myself it wouldn't. Either way, time had it's own agenda and here we are. Honestly, it hasn't even hit me quite yet that when I hugged you goodbye tonight, I was saying goodbye to my best friend for the better part of two years. I look at everything that has happened over the last 24 years, and the one conclusion I can draw is that I am incredibly thankful that God gave me you as my sister.

I know that it must be silly coming from the world adventurer of the family, but there is a part of me that's serious in saying that you should be the one that stays home even though I think I should be able to go wherever I want. I hope you know I don't ACTUALLY think that, and I'm actually incredibly excited for you. But it's so strange for me. See, I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you. From the beginning, before I ever even existed, God put me in your heart. We don't just have a special bond because you're my sister. We have a special bond because you were the first person on this earth that wanted me, prayed for me, and was confident that I would come. Who knows what would've happened if you hadn't listened and prayed to that little girl's desire for a sister? I don't think it's just a coincidence. People have kids unexpectedly all of the time, but you wanted me and I've never told you how very much that means to me. And the truth is, I've always known how special you are. Growing up all I ever wanted was to be like you. And I will always laugh at that because we know just how different the two of us are. I was always the one that wouldn't be satisfied unless I had the whole world as my oyster. You're the one that loved having your home where your roots were. You'd get homesick after a few days of being away, and I'd want to stay wherever I was longer. I know how hard it was for you when I'd jet off on another adventure, but what you didn't know is that I was always sure where my home was, because it was where you were. And I think that's part of why this is so hard for me. I know it's selfish, but you've always been there for me and I can't tell you how very thankful I am for that. I've always known that I could count on you for a harry potter marathon, or a fat kid day. I loved when I was younger, and you'd invite me over to your apartment to spend the night. All the times you gave me boy advice, and all the times we laughed until we cried. Having a crazy dance partner while everyone was hanging out in the kitchen, making weird faces, and acting like we're 5.  Talking about Jesus, and what it means to truly be courageous. Crying when our hearts were broken, and crying during something that tugged at our heartstrings. That one time we got in a physical fight, and then laughed about it. All of these memories are things that I cherish. And things I will hold onto when I miss you desperately, because surprise! I most definitely will.

Laura, I truly owe so much of the woman I am to you. You never thought my dreams were silly, and you always supported them even if no one else did. I've always known that regardless, you will have my back. And I want to thank you for that. And now I want to do the same for you. I want to send you off with excitement and blessing, because now it's your turn for a grand adventure! And oh what an adventure it will be! I'm so excited for the places you'll discover and the friends you will make. I'm so excited for the culture changes, and the new beauty that will surround you. I'm so excited for the rainy days, and the days you'll bask in the rare sunshine. I'm excited for all the good days you'll have, and I'm even excited for the bad ones. I'm excited for the growing and discovering you'll do. Don't hesitate, take chances, get out of your comfort zone! Go on spontaneous day adventures. Try that food that seems weird. Make conversation with a complete stranger, and listen to their life. I know I can't be selfish and wish for you to stay here, because there are so many people waiting in your future who's lives will be immeasurably more blessed because you'll walk into them. And that's what I'm most excited for. I'm excited to see all the amazing relationships God has in store for you. I'm excited to see what this open door holds.

So now, my dear sister, my best friend, it's time to prepare your heart. Be open to it all! Find all the most wonderful places to go so you can take me when I visit! And even if you find Harry Potter's world before me, pretend you didn't so we can discover it together;) But really and truly, know that my heart and my prayers go with you. I pray safety, life and love over you. I pray blessing, happiness and adventure. And know that no matter where we are in the world, you are still part of my home, and you always will be. I love you Laura Lynne! England is soon to be the luckiest place in the world, because they will have you!

Love is in the Air!

Yes folks, you read it here first. LOVE IS IN THE AIR! The sweetest, most wondrous, most beautiful of all things is in the very air I'm breathing!!! Now... before you go assuming too much, let me just assure you that I, Kimberly Weathers am not in love. There's not even a blimp on my radar and for the moment, I plan on keeping it that way. ( Although there's always a SLIGHT possibility I might ACTUALLY start paying for my christianmingle account. Who knows? The mystery is exciting. ) But none the less, love is all around us.

I'm not quite sure what it is about spring time that makes couples get engaged, but the truth is every year since I've graduated high school, this is the time of year where friends decide to start their lives with someone. For the first few years after school, I would see two, maybe three engagements a year and even that was weird. But low and behold, this year, I see two or three engagements a WEEK. I'm not even kidding you either! And for a moment, I couldn't help but feeling WAY behind in the process of love. But in the last few days, I've become more and more thankful that I'm not even on the path to my happily ever after.

I suppose you could say I've been " In love," twice. The first time I think I really was. The second, I think I was trying to make myself be. But with both, and really every random guy that's been considered in my head for even a second, I never really fully grasped what it meant to be in love. You see, growing up in the Christian culture that I did, I was bombarded with all different kinds of messages. While my parents encouraged fun, innocent, recreational dating, there were others that made me feel as if I were a heathen if I ever got butterflies thinking about what it would be like to kiss that really cute guy in youth group. And all the while, I'm trying to figure out why I don't feel quite right dating recreationally, yet I wasn't quite ready for marriage, but gosh boys were cute, so what in the world is a girl to do?

On the surface, I am sure I seemed just as hormone-crazed and confused as the next teenage girl, but deep down I had a desire so precious, so untouched, and so cherished that as an adult, I look back and can't help but be a bit jealous of that sweet dream in that young girls heart. That desire, that dream was to someday find the love of my life. I know, I know. That's nothing special, I get it. Heck, I could guarantee you everyone wants to find the love of their life. I know. But it wasn't just that. The desire was for a man so on fire for the Lord, that his dream was to change the nations. My desire was for a man that would pursue me, cherish me, be chivalrous, point me to Christ, and treat me like the most beautiful, amazing gift he had ever received. He would be someone that I could serve the Lord with, raise up a godly family, laugh with, cry with, be best friends with. I didn't wonder if a man like that was out there for me... I KNEW he was. But somewhere between 18-23, I lost that dream. And only recently have I started believing in it again.

For some of you that know me, you know that when I was 19, I had my heart broken big, and bad. I fell in love with a wonderful boy, that I believed was the one that would help make that desire in my heart real. And he did. For a while anyway. I had never experienced anything like being in love before, and it was the sweetest most wonderful, real thing. To me, it didn't matter that we were still kids. I knew that no matter what life threw at me, I would do anything to love him. What I didn't realize, was that I had put our relationship, and my idea of what I thought that boy wanted above God, and above who God had created me to be. For years, I've asked God why he allowed me to love and lose, and why it was and sometimes still is so hard to come to terms with. I challenged God with the fact that incredibly godly men were about as rare as a pin needle in a haystack, so why did he take the one I'd found away from me? And the truth is... I don't know. I don't believe as I once did that that love will come back into my life. But I also never believed that God could bring a love as good, or better into my life either. I honestly believed that I had had my experience for love, and that someday I would meet a good, nice guy and that I wouldn't ever be fully in love again. And I really thought I was okay with that. Which is why when I "fell in love" again, that guy seemed to be just what I was looking for.

Don't get me wrong. The second guy I fell in love with, was too, a wonderful guy. He had things about him that would've made any girl swoon, and I'll tell you what, that boy loved me. He would've given me the world if I had asked him to, and in a way, I sort of did. It was so unfair of me to take advantage of his love, but I did. And it breaks my heart when I think about it. I wasn't ready for love when we got together. I still hadn't figured out myself, still hadn't worked through hurt. I never imagined I would be one of those girls who got into a relationship to make herself feel better, but that's what I did. And after months and months of him trying to find a way to make me fall in love with him as much as he was with me, I finally had to end it. I realized I couldn't say yes to a proposal I suspect he was planning. I couldn't just have a good guy who loved me unconditionally. I wanted to love someone back wholeheartedly, and fiercely, or I didn't want a relationship at all. And that leads me to today...

For the past 8 months, I've been working on myself. Getting to know myself, who God created me to be, what he wants from me and for me. It has been a wonderful, heart wrenching, complicated, amazing journey so far. I've been learning to face and deal with the demons of my past, while looking to the future with uncertainty and excitement. I've never once taken time to truly be single, and honestly, I encourage every single person to do so while you still can. It's been so so so amazing. But for the last few weeks, I feel the Lord is finally bringing the subject of love back to me. He has been restoring that desire and that dream within my spirit. He has been showing me that the love I once was certain of, is really out there. The sweet, innocent, glorious kind of love that I thought was only for a little girls imagination.

Recently, I've gotten hooked on the show 19 kids and counting. To be honest, I think the Duggar's kick butt. I respect the way they've chosen to do life, and though I don't think I could ever be that conservative of a person, I applaud them. If nothing else, they are a kind, compassionate example of Christ in a very scummy world. But lately, I've been watching the episodes where two of the sisters begin to fall in love, get married, start families, etc. And I have to say, it was a tremendous reminder that that real kind of love is out there. My mom and I just watched the sister Jill's wedding, and the one thing we were both taken by was the pure, innocent, joy and love she and her now husband have for each other. It was so untainted, so fresh and real. And more than anything, it was full of incredible hope.

I guess with all my ramblings, I wanted to focus on one very important thought... That kind of love, the kind Jill Duggar and her husband have for each other, the kind I dreamt about as a girl, is out there for you and for me. But it isn't possible unless you and I choose to fully submit ourselves to the Lord, and I don't just mean you need to be a Christian. Love like that can only exist because God brings it into someone's life. But it can't be with selfish motive or desire. It can't be to fulfill you, or make you happy. I'm not saying you can't date. I'm not saying you can't sign up for a dating service online. But I truly do not believe you can fall in love, the REAL kind of love, until you fully fall in love with Christ first. I say this, because every single married Christian I know has told me that when I meet the right one, I will "just know," that they're who God has made for me. But I can only know that if I know the voice of God. I pray that each of you fellow singles in the church will join me in this grand quest of knowing our Savior deeply. I don't want church to be a place I go in hopes of finding a guy, and not finding my Jesus. I don't want to try and make myself appealing so that the opposite sex will notice me, I want someone who will notice my heart first. I don't want a stranger asking me on a date, I want someone to pursue me in friendship first. I don't want someone who wants a selfish goodnight kiss, but someone who cherishes the sweet sacredness of one. I want someone set apart from this world because I too, am choosing to live set apart. It's a rare thing these days. Even in the church. But the love I want isn't produced from cheap imitations, it's produced from the real thing.

Ladies and Gents, though it seems impossible, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our time will come. I don't think it's bad to wonder and think about who your person might be. Military? Cowboy? Musician? Artist? Missionary? Whatever. But don't get so caught up in the wondering of who they might be, to forget about who God made YOU to be. He will bring the right person along in his due time, and we will all look back so thankful that we waited patiently. I hope that this post brings you hope, renewal, and the belief that true and lasting love is out there, and it begins with a man named Jesus Christ.

To My Future Husband

To the love of my life,

You've been on my mind so much lately. In my thoughts, my prayers, my hopes and dreams. It's almost as if I can feel you. Waiting for me, praying for me, falling in love with me even now. This concept may seem crazy. The fact is, I don't know who you are. I don't know if we've met, where you're living, or if at this moment you're reading this. I don't even know if you love the Lord yet, but I know deep in my soul, that you are mine.  And it's strange, because that knowing does not fill me with a sense of urgency, but rather that of peace. It's new for me, this concept of peace. I look back at my life, where I've wondered where you are, who you are, when you'd come to me; and I remember being so scared that you would never find me. I felt like I had to work so hard because otherwise I would miss you. But the truth is, in doing that, I walked a lot of paths that kept me from the thing that was the most important. I tried to find you in my own strength. I relied on movies I saw and books I read to show me what true love was, but it always left me craving something deeper. Longing for something more. And it has taken me 23 years to realize it, but you are not what i'm looking for. It is only recently that I have found what it truly important in this life. It's something I know that you have discovered as well. Or will discover in the future. The most important thing in this life is not to fall in love with each other, it's to fall in love with our Savior. And it breaks my heart to say this, but I didn't ever let myself fully find satisfaction in Jesus until a few months ago. Sure, I would pray and serve and worship Jesus with most of my heart, but there was always a piece I was holding onto. A piece I had reserved for you thinking that Jesus would understand that in order to love you I would have to hold onto it. But I was so very wrong. Because nothing has been more incredible than letting myself be fully His. And I believe in the depths of me, that it is making me into the woman I'm supposed to be every day. The woman you'll fall in love with. I'm no longer pining after you, no longer trying to convince God that the wrong one is you. Because the truth is, I won't have a doubt when it comes to you. I don't know if I'll know instantly, or if it will take a long time for my heart to wake up to you, but I know a few things for certain. I will fall in love with you because of your heart for The Lord. I will fall in love with you because of your compassion. I will fall in love with the way you laugh, and the way you lead. I will encourage your masculinity as you encourage my femininity. I will respect you and point you to Christ. I will honor you and your leadership. How do I know this? Because I pray for it every single day. I pray for you every single day. And I pray for me, that God would build those qualities up in me, every single day. And most of all, because I'm learning all of those attributes from the one who created them. I do not yet know you, my love. Or if I do, I don't know that you're the one intended to be my forever. Just the very thought that I may know you, or meet you tomorrow, or really any time in the future sets my heart racing. But it's not the thing I dwell on the most. What I dwell on the most is loving Christ, loving others, and trying to live this life as he's called me to. Our adventure will come, I have no doubt. But in the mean time, I don't want to be sitting around waiting for you. I want to be living life for Jesus, trusting that he knows when you're supposed to come in. Because what better way is there to learn to love? And whether it takes 10 seconds or 10 years for me to realize you're it, know that I am waiting patiently for you. Know that no matter what we will go through to finally come together, it will be worth it in the end. Know that when you can't seem to capture the attention of the pretty girl in your small group, I am waiting to be captured by you. The road may seem long and unending now, but don't lose heart my love. I praise God that He knows and that we don't have to worry about it. That each day is a chance to learn and grow. That the heart breaks and heart ache are only preparation for our future. And that in just the right time, at just the right moment, we will know. We will be able to face all the hardship life throws our way, because we know where our strength comes from. I can't wait for our adventure to begin. I can't wait to change the world with you.

All my love now and forever,
Kimberly



http://youtu.be/4bTjDace9nY

To all the beautiful girls

The past few days have been really hard for me. I caught a nasty cold, and as a result I've had to stay locked up in my apartment. Not because I feel particularly awful, but because I can't do my job unless I feel 100% well. And even though the strict regiment of medicine and vitamin C is seemingly doing it's work, I am DETERMINED to get better by Monday so I can return to my work. I love my job. However, I have consequently been forced into the boring routine of Facebook, movies, more Facebook and more movies. I suppose I could do something productive like work on my novel, but of course being faced with endless hours of nothing to do creates immense writers block. But in the middle of my boredom with hours upon hours of social media, I've noticed something amazing. Women are beautiful. Now, don't get me wrong, i've noticed this before, but since it's been staring me in the face for the past 72 hours I can't help but be blown away by the fact.

Now, I hope you don't take this in a creepy way. I'm as straight as they come, but I have to say that in the last 3 days I have found myself just being proud to be a woman because we are simply breathtaking! I think it's so cool that females get to radiate beauty. What a rare and precious gift we're allowed. I think the thing I've noticed the most is the incredible difference in beauties. There are so many different kinds and it's amazing.  I've read so many articles, seen so many instagram posts, seen dozens of luminous smiles and it makes me so proud. Women who are mothers, authors, bloggers, doctors, singers, nannies, youth leaders, sports lovers, tomboys, fashionistas, etc. I love it. I'll admit, there have been more than a few times in my life that I have looked at women who were vastly different than me, and I've burned green with envy. I've convinced myself that in order to be successful as a woman, I had to change myself to be more like that one woman who seemingly had it all. I convinced myself that in order to be pretty, I had to ditch the jeans and baseball caps, and strut my stuff in heels and pearls. That I probably shouldn't yell at the TV during football games so much because it really wasn't lady like. That I had to put down other women in order to build myself up.


But ladies, enough is enough. As I read different articles, blogs, saw videos, photo albums of amazing trips you've all been on, I began to realize that I don't envy you at all. I celebrate you! Because femininity at it's core isn't just one thing. It's a beautifully individualistic thing that God has given every single female.  And it's something, I've realized that Satan is trying to diminish. He's trying to convince us that we should be just like men, or at least have the option to be. He is trying to convince us that the only true form of femininity is sensuality. He is trying to convince us that if we don't want a man to see us as "too much" we have to fit into a certain mold.  He is whispering in our ears that everyone else is better than us. And it's ALL a lie.


YOU my dear sister are beautiful. Not just because you have a million watt smile, but because that smile brings warmth and comfort. You are valuable. Not because you have a boyfriend, but because from the moment God created the heavens and the earth he thought you up. You have a divine purpose, and it has nothing to do with how many degrees you do or don't have. It has to do with the fact that when God thought you up, he thought of the exact moment he wanted you to enter this earth, the exact place he wanted you, the exact plans he has for you. You are gorgeous. Not because you look like your idea of perfection. But because you don't. Because the freckles on your nose, and your crooked teeth add character to who you are. Because your heart floods everyone around you with the love of Jesus. You're amazing because you're soft and delicate. You're amazing because you're strong and courageous. You're amazing because you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

So my dear sister, I promise you this: I promise to build you up and not tear you down. I promise to speak words of life over you, not words of death. I promise to celebrate with you in your creativity and talents, and to not tear them down to make myself look better. I promise to encourage you in your dreams. I promise to not let you talk down to yourself. I promise to not talk down about myself either. I promise to remind you that you are more than enough. I promise to encourage true femininity in you, not the cheap imitation stuff that makes up the world around us. I am proud of you, beautiful girl.  I am amazed by you. And I am so thankful that God made you as a reminder of who he is. Because that's who you are. Someone who encompasses who God is. Don't you ever forget that.

Today. Today

Today. Today has been hard and great all at the same time. I suppose that's how life has been a lot lately. Every day is filled with resounding joy, but also deep pain. But I wouldn't change it. This last month has really been the most challenging and rewarding one I think, of my entire life. Learning to put my sole trust in Christ while everything seems to fall apart, and everyone wants me to be something. Whether good or bad. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm right where God wants me, for His divine purpose. Today. Today was the first time I saw little man as the sick little boy he is, not the boy that I knew had cancer, but could only have known by his sparse head. He had his all day chemotherapy treatment yesterday, and today was hard. His agonizing cries, and the tears falling as he leaned his head over his yellow bucket to puke. his little head on my shoulder, and his little sister just trying to be a little girl. Yet all the while, knowing something is wrong with her big brother. All the while I'm trying to hold back tears. The vomit doesn't bother me, the solidarity of the day doesn't either. But I can't stop thinking of the family, of little man. Today. Today when little man's dad came in the afternoon to take him to the hospital for a shot, and getting a call from the parents saying they won't be home on time because little man spiked a fever,and me reassuring them that I will stay all night if need be.

But I can't stop thinking of the family. Of little man. It's not fair. Plain and simply. It isn't. Cancer is EVIL. Yet through all of it I STILL know that God is sovereign. This job is way harder than I anticipated it being. But... not in the way you would expect..
Today. Today out of the blue, I had a job offer to be on the radio again. They wanted me for sports radio or entertainment news. My choice. This is unheard of. Especially in Denver, and especially for a girl who's only experience was school, and an internship at KYGO. But I instantly turned them down. I told them I was caring for a very sick little boy and there was no way I would abandon him. I thanked him for the offer and told him I would let him no if anything changed, but I couldn't accept the offer. He was shocked. I think the majority of people would think I was crazy for doing such a thing. Radio is certainly a more established "career" than caring for kids. And I'm telling you right now that it is a far easier job than caring for kids is. Even when all of them are perfectly healthy. But the truth is, I don't want to just have a life and a career. I want my life to make a DIFFERENCE. No, the world doesn't see being a nanny as a big accomplishment... but I certainly do. What is more of an honor or ministry than getting to play an influential part in the life of a child? Honestly, it's hard to think of one. My being a voice on the radio, talking about Peyton Manning or Emma Watson would be a blast. I don't doubt that for a moment. But there's no depth to it. No life. I believe that any place you work is a place where you're presented with an opportunity to share Christ's love. In fact, it's more than just an opportunity, it's an obligation. But as the wisest man in the world, King Solomon said in Ecclesiastics, all of that is meaningless. I may never get to be an advocate for anything deemed great or important in this world. My voice may only reach a few. But as much as I fantasize about it, a life of fame is not what I'm seeking. What I'm seeking is a life full of Jesus. A life full of love. One so overflowing, that the love Christ has placed in me would refresh and renew the brokenness of those around me. THAT is the kind of life I long for. The legacy I want to leave behind. And as I spent today caring for two amazing kids, one fighting a devastating battle; I know beyond anything else that I'm right where God wants me. The world can say what they want about the path I'm on right now. But there will always be opportunities to make myself a "career" if that's the path God takes me on. So try as they might, they won't deter me from the path I'm on right now. Because I have an opportunity to love in a deeper way than I ever could've imagined. So today. Today was a great day.

The new chapter on my journey

Monday. September 29. 9 days after my 23rd birthday. I drove to work that morning, praising The Lord. It was a really good morning. I felt His deep peace. I remember thinking how incredible it was that through everything, he always held me. In fact, I had had a conversation about that very fact with a dear friend just the day before. I was talking about how God had never not provided for me. The irony of that still astounds me. I pull up to the house of the family I nannied for, and walked to the door. It had been a 3 day weekend for me, and I had missed the sweet little girls I watched. I was greated with huge hugs and giggles, and my heart soared. A few days earlier, I had had the great delight of getting to see the two families I had previously nannied for. Each of them assuring me how much they still loved me even though I wasn't a part of their every day life. That I was, and always would be their family. The mom I nannied for offered to take her eldest to school that morning, and when she got back asked if she could talk to me. With tears in her eyes, she told me that she had lost her job the previous Friday, and that because of that they wouldn't be able to keep me on. We began to talk, and I could tell her heart was broken. I felt so sad for her. But I was also very excited that she would get to spend her days with her precious girls. She kept apologizing, and I kept assuring her that it was alright. And here's the craziest thing...it WAS. I had just bought a new car, moved out of my parents home for the first time a few months before, and had no job prospects whatsoever. She let me go early that day so I could begin the job hunt. I cried a little. But not because I was really sad. It was more because I felt like I had to. But as I was driving, I began talking to Jesus. Isn't it marvelous that we can do that? And I just felt the deepest sense of peace I could. After going to visit my mom, to tell her what happened, I went back to my apartment and started looking at jobs. The very first one I saw stuck out to me like a lighthouse on the inkiest black night. It was  for a family with two children. One, a perfectly healthy little girl. The other, a little boy battling cancer. Instantly I knew that I wanted that job. Anyone who knows me, knows my history with cancer. It had bitten my world when I was only 11, through my sweet cousin Jayne who was also 11. Hers was a battle I would never forget. It had stayed with me and opened doors of opportunities to pursue friendships with other kids who had to face the devastation that is cancer. I went on to apply for about 30 other jobs. I don't like feeling like i'm treading water, so I was determined to find a new job within the week. There were lots of jobs that looked promising, but my mind kept going back to the first. About an hour after I filled out that first initial application, I got a call. I let it ring and go to voicemail because I didn't recognize the number. A minute later I was checking the message. It was from a woman who worked for a nanny agency. The agency trying to find a nanny for the little boy with cancer and his sister. I immediately called back, and from the first few sentences, she and I both knew this was my job. She even told me that my voicemail had been so encouraging to her. We set up a time to do my initial interview, and I stopped filling out applications. I told the other people who got back to me that I was pursuing another opportunity. I hadn't even had my interview with the agent, let alone the family. Two days later I met with the woman, and it was the best interview I had ever had. She told me that the family was looking for someone with a  deep faith, and she told me that somehow the situations where both parties are believers always seem to work out better than those who don't. I thought that was amazing. We set a time for my interview with the family and I left feeling so confident.

Three days later, I found myself driving up to the house of this new family I was about to meet. I talked to God the whole way, and took a deep breath as I rang the doorbell. I was greeted by a nice couple and a sweet little girl with pigtails and a sparkly headband. And then barreling down the hall, was a sweet bald head. From the moment I stepped through the door, I knew that God had placed me here. We began talking, and I asked what kind of cancer the little boy had. Shock and awe poured through me when I heard. He had Rhabdoyosarcoma. The same cancer my cousin Jayne had had. It was a different variety, but none the less, it is the rarest kind of pediatric cancer in the United States. I think that moment confirmed it for both of us.

The next day I had the job. The Lord provided a temporary nanny position for me while I wait for this new one to start. And the past couple of weeks have been so rough, but so good. I've had to come to terms with letting go of something I care deeply about, and embracing a new chapter with just myself and The Lord. I've had to learn that I am truly not in control. I have had to learn that no matter what, there is always someone who needs love, and it is my deepest obligation to be the giver of that love. I have learned that God really does open doors for things that our hearts desires, but many times he has to close other ones. And i've realized that this next year, my life will be devoted to loving for and caring for a spunky little two year old, and a sweet little boy with a battle. Today I met with the family to just go over some things. It was a blast. The mom and I were talking, and she handed me a huge binder. It was daunting. All the things I need to know about little man's cancer. But it didn't intimidate me. A few minutes later, little man comes and stands by me with his game, and I ask if he would like to sit with me. He says yes, and he sat there with me for a good 10 minutes. My heart was so full I could've cried. The weight of the responsibility I was taking on hit me. Not dealing with the cancer in a little boy. But the job to love he and his sister. Their parents. To walk this journey with them in such close corners. What an honor.


The whole time i've been writing this post, i've been listening to the song "It is Well" by Bethel, and I cannot get over how timely it is. For me. For this family. For all the things I can and ever will face. A hard path may seem daunting. But I welcome it with open arms, embracing what's to come because I know more now than I ever have before that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I know this post isn't a super topic, but it is very personal. I pray that it will give you hope to know that through it all, it is well.

Verse 1
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Verse 2
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Bridge x3
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name(repeat last line during 3rd run)

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

http://youtu.be/YNqo4Un2uZI

Not of this world

Technology is both a blessing and a curse. It can be so useful in situations, and at other times the biggest time waster out there. I try to limit my time using it to just purely find fast and dumb entertainment, but every once in a while I find a use for google that is far beyond worth while.

I recently joined a women's bible study at my church. Tonight was our second meeting, and we are studying Beth Moore's "Children of the Day," which is focused on 1st and 2nd Thessalonians. Let me tell you, this study is already amazing. Not only is the study amazing, but the women I have met so far are truly beyond incredible. At 23 ( in 4 days:D ) and 25, my friend Haley and I are the youngest there. We're not even in the same group! But gleaning wisdom from this study and these women is unbelievable.The reason that I brought up this bible study is because in tonight's video teaching, Beth said something that hit me quite hard. " In a world of pretense and platforms, we better be ready to prove ourselves. 'You know what kind of men we proved to be among you for your sake.' (1 Thessalonians 1:5) " The basic context of this statement is that as believers we so often think that if the people around us who are not yet believers choose not to see the goodness of God, then it isn't our responsibility, we don't have to prove that he is. But what Beth is saying is that it IS. We have been called to PROVE it.

Okay Kimberly, focus. Back to google. This past weeks studies of 1 Thessalonians chapter 1 has made me realize that I am so not of this world. I was not made for it. I was placed here for a specific purpose by the Lord God, Creator of all, but this is not where my hope lies. So with that thought in my head, I chose to simply type "I am made for so much more, because I am not of this world." I'm not even quite sure what I expected to find, but I will tell you right now, what I did broke my heart. I stumbled on a blogpost on the website "ExperienceProject." There was a person who wrote how they never felt they were made for this world, they didn't want any part of the cruelty and destruction and somehow there was this deeper, inner desire, LONGING to be a part of something more. They KNEW it in their very soul. What's interesting is that the people who left comments all said the same thing. All these people searching for that something more... but they don't know what it is. Do you know what broke my heart? The fact that not one of them said that Jesus, that heaven that SALVATION was the answer. And that's put on the shoulders of every single one of us who are believers in The Lord Jesus Christ.

You know, I don't believe that our longings and desires are just put at ease once we accept Christ as our Lord. Because I believe that he fills us with longing and desire to accomplish the tasks he has set before us. Such a righteous longing is a beautiful thing. I know I have them, and I am sure you do too. There are moments when I get a sense of longing for the things of this earth... but they so quickly fade when I am once again awestruck by the truth that NOTHING is better than a life that is Christ's. I am filled with so much wonder at the mystery of our Lord. There are no words to describe the sweetness of a life that is His alone. And it is our job to share that love, give the world a taste of it. We are to prove it!  John 15:9 says "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, BUT I HAVE CHOSEN YOU OUT OF THE WORLD. That is why the world hates you." This verse can both terrify and uplift believers. We have been chosen out of the world, wonderful! But the world hating us? Uh oh. Better avoid THAT. We can just stay in our Christian bubbles and love each other because it's easy. Maybe talk about our faith once in a while with a coworker, or a friend that doesn't know Jesus, but to actually live a life that PROVES the goodness of God? Yet we are charged with it.

I don't want this world. Give me Jesus! But let me also give Jesus to the lost and the broken, the hurting and angry. THAT is the life I want. Not being of this world does not mean that we turn our back on it. It's actually quite opposite. Let's march into battle together and show the world that HE IS GOOD!

God's NOT dead

Wow. I just finished watching the movie "God's not dead" with my family. I had heard that it was a good movie, and as a believer in Jesus Christ, naturally I wanted to see it. Sometimes Christian films make me nervous. They have enough cheese to satisfy anyone's appetite, and quite frankly they miss the mark I think they're trying to hit. Don't get me wrong, I love those films. But I also already have a deep, personal relationship with Christ, so I am likely to be far less judgmental of those films than your everyday person. "God's not dead," however, portrayed real life in a tangible way. It wasn't all sunshine and roses. Jesus didn't just swoop in and save the day. Relationships were lost, work was done, and faith was tested. This isn't going to be a movie review, but I felt I had to preface it with this. I encourage you, whoever you are to see this movie. I don't care if Christ is already your everything, or if you deny Him with everything in you, the movie is a challenge. One I think we should all take. And that's what this blog is going to be about.

As I sat watching this film, so many things were brought to my attention. I'll spare you the details of my thoughts, because to you they are probably uninteresting. This week has been challenging for me. The Lord has really been convicting me of some things I didn't know I needed to be convicted of.  Anyone who knows me knows that from the time I was a little girl, I have felt a deep and intense calling on my life. Rest assured I by no means think that my life is greater than anyone else's, but it isn't for not that I have been given a passion for truth and the ability to speak those truths in various ways. Eloquence is nothing but a gift from the Father, and while others may disagree with me, I feel that somehow he's gifted me with it for some reason. A reason bigger than I can comprehend. It excites me to no end. But one of the main challenges I have been up against this week is really very simple. All throughout middle school and high school I was convinced that the plans God had for me would be far beyond my comprehension. I could look anyone in the eye and tell them that I was going to change this world for my Savior. I believed it with everything in me. It wasn't cockiness that drove me to believe that. It wasn't for self-gratification, although that is something I have to battle with daily. Somehow I just knew it. God had spoken it to me and I didn't doubt Him. I wasn't afraid of sharing truth with anyone, really. If you would've told me the day I graduated high school I would be where I am today, I probably would've said you were crazy. Because here is the honest truth... for the past how many ever years, that passionate girl has been gone. Somehow when she became a woman, that passion started to slowly be replaced by other things. Somehow work, money, boyfriends, and sleep became her top priority. Somehow the fear of offending others because of her faith won out. Don't get me wrong, I love my Savior. I still have that passion burning deep inside of me, and in my comfort zone I am still that firecracker for Him. But i'm at a loss trying to figure out where that firecracker went when it actually mattered. I was so challenged by this movie in a few areas. One way is in how I live my life with other Christians. I am good at having healthy debates with people, but there are still times I fail at standing up for what I really know is right, living what I know is right. I hate to say that there are parts of me that have bought into mundane Christianity and it downright disgusts me. Where did the girl who used to dance before the Lord in worship go? Because now she talks about how that's okay to do in your own space, but maybe it's best to not distract others. Or the girl who didn't care about marriage because she knew God would provide the right person in the right time, and now all she can do is worry herself sick with whether her relationship is it or not? It's just beyond me! Don't get me wrong, Jesus is my lifeline, I would be dead without Him. I cannot imagine a life where he wasn't my everything. So the next thing that challenges me, really baffles me. Jesus is my very breath, to deny him, to me, would be like denying the oxygen I need to keep me alive. Since that IS true, why do I deny Him? No, I don't think I have ever directly denied Him before, but I am also a person that hates gray areas. To me if I just skate by in life and not live it fully for Him, that seems like denying Him. I fully believe I wasn't put on this earth for any other reason than to bring glory to my Father, and to share the truth of His love with every single person I come into contact with because I want them to have what I have. Any of you who know God the Father know how glorious it is to be His. When I am in His will and I know it, there is truly nothing better. Living for Jesus is not an obligation, it is the best thing in the world.
I guess it really made me think about my life, the people surrounding it, the ones involved in it. It doesn't matter if they disown me, disregard me, or see me as an insane Jesus freak... my life isn't for them, my life isn't for me. It's for Jesus. Through that His truth and light will shine, and people will come to know Him as their Savior! I want to know that even if I am completely alone when it comes to other people, I have my Jesus by my side. The great thing is though, I was also reminded of the body of Christ that is all around the world. We are NOT alone. This battle has already been won. We are equipped with the blood of Jesus, and we have each other to stand next to in battle. For as bleak as things seem sometimes, the truth is that there are people all around the world fighting the same fight you are. It's not a competition, it's a victory! How great that our God is in the souls of people everywhere. How great that we as the body of Christ get to stand together and reach this world for Him. That is...if we are willing. I guess maybe I need to challenge myself, and maybe you need to challenge yourself too. Mundane, lukewarm Christianity won't do anything to change this world... only passionate, fearless, Christ-centered warriors will. I want to be that person, do you? Our God is not dead. I don't want to be selfish with that knowledge anymore. Who's with me?

The ultimate sacrifice

Wow. As I sit down to write this, I have a lot of thoughts swirling through my head. A lot of them are good thoughts. Things I should've shared months ago, but I haven't. Time is a funny thing indeed. My last entry was in December. Christmastime. It really doesn't seem that long ago, until I realize I haven't written in a quarter of a year. That's astounding to me. I can use all of the excuses in the book about being too busy, not having things to write about, etc. But the truth is, for whatever reason I have been feeling so insecure about writing things The Lord puts on my heart. And the truth is until very recently, I wasn't sure why. But as I look back on what has occurred in the year 2014 already, I have an answer. This year has been one of the best so far, yet it's been filled with a ton of Spiritual Battles. Not just attack, but full fledged battles. I am in a stage in my life where I am having to fight for righteousness or give into worldliness. And to be honest, I'm so excited about that.



For this whole year I have been plagued with the thoughts of what it means to live righteously for Christ. There are so many types of Christians, that honestly it gets incredibly confusing. You have extremes on both ends of the spectrum. Those who live a very structured Christian life. Have you ever seen the show 19 Kids and Counting? That's the life I'm talking about. A great Christian family who lives a very strict life. People like that have always intrigued me. Probably because I'm so different from them. I think their dedication is truly amazing, but I've come to the conclusion that I could never live like that. I'm far too opinionated and loud. I also really like country music. I find myself admiring them, but then I start to feel bad about myself, and I know that's not from Christ. Then there's the other extreme form of Christianity, where everything goes. Grace is just a get out of jail free card. You can go get drunk every weekend, sleep around, curse, cheat, lie, etc. and God's grace is always there to catch you. I'll be honest, it's hard for me not to judge that lifestyle. I DO believe God's grace is there, but then I also believe that he has called us to live a life worthy of His calling. So then I start to feel superior. And then there's me. I seem to be somewhere smack dab in the middle of all of this, trying to figure out which is "The best Christian way to live." And the funny thing about time, the funny thing about life, is that we're constantly growing, changing, and learning. What I thought about Jesus and my faith 5 years ago, has changed so drastically, even though he remains the same. But I think that's the problem. We as Christians get SO caught up in trying to figure out the best way to present our Christian life to the world, that we forget to really live it. Believe me, I'm right there with you. I worry about how people will view certain things, instead of truly just living them out. Is that not silly? There's a possibility that I am the only one who is this way...but somehow I doubt it.


For the past few years, the week before Easter has been incredibly significant to me. Somehow it feels like Jesus is showing me more and more what his sacrifice actually meant. I went to my Church's Easter play last night, and it again struck me just HOW awesome my Jesus is. Sacrifice isn't just a pretty, fancy word we use to describe what Jesus did. It was an actual, real thing that we so easily forget. I'm often baffled by the fact that he not only came to earth and took on the form of man, died a horrendous painful death that he didn't deserve, battled Satan in hell so that YOU AND I can have eternal life....and we so often throw it back in his face. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that. Thinking about the times that I've been more concerned about MY image, than his. And that's what it is, isn't it? We're concerned about how our Christian life will look because it effects US not HIM. And that's when I realized, that the example of how to live the best Christian life was found in the living, breathing, Word of God Himself. There are countless stories of men and women standing for Christ, and bringing his Kingdom to earth. And the coolest part of all of it, is that they were all SO different. It might be astounding, but I never really realized that before. We all have our favorite characters and stories in the Bible. Maybe it's because we resemble them in some way... or maybe it's because we'd like to. Regardless we have an amazing book full of truth, and full of people who all lived their extraordinary lives for Christ. It's pretty amazing! So instead of worrying how we look, we should be thinking about what the truths that each of these people followed are. We have ALL sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. That's a given. His grace covers our sin, absolutely. But what am I doing to live a life worthy of his calling? What are you doing? Are you just doing the minimum amount you think will get you a decent sized crown in Heaven? Or are you truly living sold out and on fire for Him? I don't know about you, but I want to live with reckless abandon for Christ. I want to have no regard for the criticism I may get from being His alone. I know we hear all the time that we have the power to change the world... but when will we actually start believing it? Maybe this is a rant, maybe it's only a personal struggle of mine. But I don't want to just live good enough anymore. Jesus Christ dying on the cross wasn't just good enough. It was the ultimate sacrifice, so that we could live. Why would we not give our ultimate sacrifice back?



I'm starting to pull into the strength of Christ, and let these insecurities of sharing his love and truth go. It saddens me that I've let it plague me for this long. But I'm ready for the battles now, and I'm not backing down. I want to live each precious day on earth like it's the day Jesus is coming back. Unafraid of what people think of me, so long as Christ is always shining through. That's my hearts deepest desire. I can't wait to see the body of Christ rise up and stand boldly once again. Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, our sacrifice for our Jesus will be worth it when we're all worshiping in eternity!

Confessions of a 22 year old virgin

Okay, so I know the title of this post may come across as a bit shocking. To be honest, I've debated whether to write on this subject for a REALLY long time. For some reason, it seems like it's "taboo" to be a young woman in the church today, and discuss the very real world of purity, chastity, and premarital sex. Let me take that back, purity and chastity are encouraged slightly, though not with any good reason, and unfortunately, once you reach an age that the world deems "too old to be a virgin," so many young people give in. Actually, people not only outside of the church, but an absurd amount within the church fall into the trap of premarital sex. Now, before I go any further, I just want to assure anyone reading this that I don't condemn you nor do I condone anything that has transpired in  your past... Or really, for anything in your present and future. To be fair, my job is not to be a judge, it's to love and point people to Christ through the example he gave me in his word. That's truth whether I agree with you or not, and whether you agree with me or not. So with that being said, let's move forward.

I wanted to write this post for many reasons. First of which, is that I didn't realize how rare it was for a woman (or man) my age to still be a virgin at 22 years old, by choice. Growing up in Christian School maybe blinded me to a lot of the realities, but when I entered the real world it quickly became apparent that I was the exception. I remember other students in my college courses teasing me mercilessly for holding out until I am married to the man I KNOW God has for me. It all started one day when one of them asked what the ring on my left ring finger was. They knew I wasn't in a relationship, yet they knew that the ring was a permanent feature. I'd like to tell you that I answered boldly and confidently that I was waiting for my future husband, and I didn't care if they thought I was silly. Instead, I somehow lost my usual spitfire ways and half-heartedly explained. To this day I'm not sure why I answered the way I did. But regardless, it didn't stop them from making it one of their favorite topics to talk about. At first, it sort of infuriated me. The people I was in school with were mainly male, and I thought they were just being perverted about everything. But as time went on, I slowly began to realize that something I treasured and held so close to my heart, was something that was intriguing for people who chose to live differently than me. I realized that by me being a virgin, it meant so much more than just waiting for my husband and a beautiful marriage. It is an ability to show people how different a life with Christ can be. Let me explain a little. Growing up, I was taught like everyone else that sex was to be for marriage. It was honestly not even a thought of mine until I began high school and realized some pretty cool things. First, is that physical intimacy isn't meant to be selfish. I don't just mean with sex, I mean with any physical intimacy. I've always wondered why something as simple as holding hands can feel wrong, when it's a very sweet, pure expression of feeling. But that's just it, most of the time in the dating world, physical intimacy of any kind is used to please the person giving it, not the one receiving it. I think if we stopped and actually took physical intimacy for what it is- a way to express a deep feeling for someone, things like casual sex wouldn't even exist. I also realized that entering into physical intimacy with someone on a sexual level is the deepest you can ever be with someone physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I knew that I only wanted that with one person ever. My decision to wait was made pretty early on. I've always had high physical standards in relationships, and while there are things I could say I "regret" in relationships, really and truly, I thank The Lord for the things he showed me. Someday giving myself to my husband is going to be a true gift. ANYWAY, back from my rabbit trail, here we go. So I finally decided to write this post, because quite frankly, I am sick and tired of the over-sexualized world we live in today. Can I tell you how frustrating it is to go out with guy after guy, date after date, waiting for a man to be a strong leader and protector, someone who truly values your worth, not your body, and find out that even the "best" Christian guys still want to push your limits? Because well, it is. And I've experienced that guy more times than I can count. Out of the many guys I've dated, there's only been one ever that I truly felt ever respected me, and his future wife and my future husband in the relationship. That's probably why he ended up being my boyfriend. Even though I know the future doesn't hold us being together, I find myself longing for that again. So many times people ask my why I don't just " get it over with." They say I'll realize it's " not that big of a deal," and that it's just a fun, physical part of a relationship. And that to me, is completely cringe worthy. That in and of itself is a huge problem in society today. I'm just going to go ahead and throw it out there and say that I believe 100% of people who are having sex outside of marriage, or sex just for fun are missing out on the most amazing gift they could ever had. Yep, I said it. Argue with me, say I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't experienced it. You're right, sex, I've never experienced, but Jesus, I absolutely have. I believe that when things are done the way Christ has created them to be done, the most amazing blessings can happen. Now, don't get me wrong, I think that every single person, every single couple can have that amazing gift. God isn't a God of grace and redemption and restoration for no reason! I'm just saying that if we actually started treating one another, and the relationships we've been given with true love and respect, we could all have an amazing love story. Because true love is sacrifice, not selfishness. Most of you reading my blog know that I volunteer with the youth at my church. I absolutely love it. There are times I get discouraged in this journey of waiting for my Man of God. I wonder if all the talk around me is actually truth, and I grow weary. But then I talk to one of the teenage girls in my life... I can't tell you how many have told me that they look up to me so much because I try my best to live my life for The Lord. And let's face it, whether we like it or not, most of those girls come to me with boy stuff. I had one of the girls I mentor tell me a few weeks ago, " You know, the stories of women who have messed up with guys and then have that part of their life restored are really cool, don't get me wrong...but it's so encouraging to see you holding out for that. It makes me realize I can do it too." Okay, if I had no other reason for waiting, that statement would be my reason. I try not to let that part of who I am define me, but the older I get, the more I realize what a gift it is to the world! I look around at our society and my heart breaks. The world is in a rat race trying to find love. People sing about it, talk about it, write about it, think about it constantly. We all know the typical Christian answer is that God is the only one that can fill that void for love we feel. I agree! But what about this idea; maybe we all long for love and companionship so much because Christ CREATED us that way? Crazy thought, right? But I'll be honest, the relationships and marriages I admire and want to emulate most are the ones where Christ is the absolute center of all of it. He's the all consuming of the two individuals, that when it comes to their relationship, he stitches up the things that fairytales are made of. I see these couples endure life's hardest tragedies, yet still find deep love in the middle. I watch them rejoice together in the happy times and my heart rejoices right with them. I long for that kind of love someday, and I know that IT IS THE KIND OF LOVE CHRIST INTENDED US TO HAVE! How unbelievable is that? He simply asks us to follow his path to get that kind of love. So simple, yet so many give up before they even start because settling for a cheap imitation is easier.

Again, I know this is a controversial topic... to be honest, I wasn't quite sure I was going to post this after I wrote it. But then I realized why not? Why not be an encouragement? I don't know how it'll be received or what people will say, but quite frankly I wish someone would've shared the things I've learned with me when I was younger. If this post has offended you, I'm sorry. It isn't ever my intention to be brazen or loose lipped. But I just really felt like it needed to be said. So with that, I just want to close by saying if you've messed up, then run to the cross. Jesus IS the true redeemer and restorer and I PROMISE he can and will restore any broken part of your life. And if you're the position I'm in, stay strong. And for all of us, keep praying and waiting patiently for the Man or Woman God has created for you. They ARE out there. Remember the true gift that loving another person is. Honor them, respect them even now because it'll be worth it in the end.

Christmas

I simply love the Holidays. It's odd, when I was a child my love for them was tremendous, but very different than it is now. And somewhere between childhood and adulthood, I forgot what it meant to appreciate Christmas. What it meant to love Christmas. And not just Christmas as the world sees it, but what it's really about. It's so interesting to me that it doesn't matter who you are, most people believe in the "magic" of Christmas. People are a little nicer, and the compassionate part of human nature tends to show it's face more. I've always loved this. I love seeing the tender part of humanity that I often think has died. But this holiday season I was hit with something I had never realized. The "magic" of Christmas is, I believe God making himself known. Let me explain what I mean. See, I somehow believe that through our own "Holiday Spirit" Christ is showing more of his love in hopes that people finally realize that Jesus TRULY is the reason for this time we all love. I look around at the Christmas miracles that happen, the stories of hope and redemption and grace. How could we NOT associate it with Christ? This Thanksgiving, I got to experience hope, redemption, and grace in a way that I never had before. It made my heart swell with gratitude and joy. I somehow knew that everything that was happen was FAR bigger than myself, or even the other people involved. It was sort of ironic that it was happening during this season. But I love how God works that way, sometimes he has to take something so fairytale like, and make it so literal so that we actually stop and realize that he is goodness itself. Now, don't get me wrong, he obviously works in wondrous ways all throughout the year, but there's something special about this time of year. If we stop to look close enough, we can literally see Jesus in every part. I love the feeling I get watching new snow fall, covering everything with it's beauty. What a great metaphor for ourselves. The pureness and softness of new fallen snow is like the love of our Savior covering us. The awe of children experiencing Christmas is the awe Mary and Joseph must have felt holding their new born son. Just like every new parent. But even MORE enthralling because he was the one who came down to save humanity. The unselfishness of gift giving, how we should strive to live each and every day. Maybe I am grasping for straws here, but I don't think so. Christmas, like every other time in life can be unbelievable if we just take the time to stop and see the beauty that surrounds us. The truth that can always be found in the midst of chaos. This Christmas season, I'm not just thankful for the birth of Christ, I'm thankful that I actually get to stop and remember what that truly means, and I hope that you do too. Merry Christmas!

The best kind of change

Holy cow, these past weeks have been incredible. I just love how God is always full of surprises. He never works the same, yet he's always good. It's fantastic! So let me just start by saying that he has been working in me in a way that I never knew I needed. Most of you who know me, or follow this blog/my videos/ etc. know that my heart has always been for ministry. It's what I love, and always have, but more specifically, I feel drawn to teenage girls. I've always volunteered with them, and have always loved building relationships with them. But God has opened crazy/awesome opportunities for me to invest more into the lives of young girls than ever before over the past few weeks and I LOVE IT!!! It all started with an event my church puts on called Israel Awareness Day. It's a program we do once a year to honor God's chosen people, and it's absolutely brilliant. Anyway, I noticed that all but one of the girls directly involved in the program with me, were younger. Now, I've known most of these girls for several years, but it's like scales fell from my eyes and I realized something SO cool. As I was spending a lot of time with these awesome young ladies, The Lord began to show me that yes, they are younger than me, and will always be...however, they will be my peers sooner than later. What I mean by this, is I realized that in the game of life, they are not that far removed from me at all. And I don't know...It gave me a sort of freedom in a way. I began to realize that it wasn't just an option, but a responsibility for me to be FRIENDS with these young women, not just a leader. Obviously there is the line of authority, as there should be, but why would it have to be a HUGE one? Because the way I look at it, the young women in my life will be entering the real world in the next 2-5 years, and anyone who's made it to 18 years old knows that that amount of time is really nothing. And I'd rather the transition of " leader to friends," not be so awkward/ hard. And i'll tell you something amazing, my relationships with these young women have already grown IMMENSLY in the past few weeks. It's crazy awesome. Especially because i'm letting myself learn from these girls as well. It's odd getting into the mind of a teen girl, especially a high school teen girl. They are figuring out who they are, what they stand for, and what they want to be in life. They are so full of promise and potential...nothing can bring them down. Their determination astounds me. I must admit that I've been dumbfounded more than once by something one of them has said, in the best possible way. Their faith is untainted, and sure. It's not that they haven't experienced the hardships of life, ( because let me tell you, some most CERTAINLY have) but somehow, believing things will get better is almost second nature. The past few weeks I've honestly looked in awe at these beautiful young women and felt a sort of sadness because I remember when only a few years ago, I WAS HER. Nothing could or would shake me, I was so sure in who I was in Christ. But oddly enough, the years in the real world have weighed heavily on me, and while my faith is still secure, I find that I inevitably let doubt in. And a lot of times, I let doubt win. When the game of "But God is bigger than any bizarre circumstance, " is played, I generally dismiss that card. Because the older we get, the more "mature" thing to do, is the be practical. Well, i'm calling bull crap on that for sure!!!

This past Sunday, we had the Middle School and High School service combined. I had gone to the adult service prior, and a good friend of mine's dad spoke. He's written an incredible book for the Men of God to stand up and be the Man God created them to be. His service really challenged me, and got me excited. I then walked into our combined youth service and began chatting with students. I LOVE pre- service for that very reason. It allows time to see into who these young people are. I was laughing and joking with Middle and High school alike, and I knew that it was going to be a great service. However, I was unaware as to just how great it would be. We were talking about the Holy Spirit, and let me tell you, HE SHOWED UP THAT DAY. It was crazy. At the end of service, the students had an opportunity to come to us leaders for prayer or to talk. And i'm telling you right now, the things these kids wanted prayer for were INCREDIBLE. Things that most adults don't even pray for. And it hit me, THIS generation, MY generation is SO hungry for truth, for righteousness. We are BEGGING to be given more, to grow, to love because we KNOW that we can change this world. When I wasn't praying with a student, I looked around and saw an army ready for battle. They don't need years to become "mature." They are some of the most spiritually mature people I know, and they're ready RIGHT. NOW. And I realized in that moment, at that point in time, that when it came to my spiritual walk, I needed to get right back to where they are. Since I graduated High School, I've been trying to find the "mature" walk of faith. To be an "adult," in my faith. Now, I'm not saying that I want to lack responsibilities when it comes to work, decisions, etc. That is all GOOD maturity to have. I'm saying that when I over analyze my faith, who Jesus is, and what he's capable of, I lose the very essence of Him. He didn't call us to have faith like a child for no reason! And the craziest thing is, the more i'm opening myself up to these incredible truths, these incredible students, the more i'm remembering what God has created me for. If you aren't directly involved in the life of a teenager, I highly encourage you to do so... They will change your world!:)

Love

My mind has been consumed with love lately...but maybe not for the reason you might think. I'm not in love at this point in time, and to be honest, I don't know when that time will come for me. But regardless of all that, my life isn't just about me, and so because of that, I am constantly surrounded by love. And it's wonderful.

Yesterday, my beautiful sister got engaged. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about this, but overjoyed is a good place to start. My sister is 31 years old. In the Christian society, that is "older" for a person to marry. But let me tell you something that astounds me about all of this. My sister was engaged at 19 years old, and I know that she is more happy today that she gets to marry her fiancé Joseph than she ever would've been marrying her ex. She has had a hard life when it comes to relationships. I have watched her heart break, and my heart has broken with her. I've heard her cries of " why not me?" when friends have gotten married and started families. And I know that for whatever reason, she's walked the road she has because The Lord God Almighty ordained it to be this way. And what a great story she has. Through the trials, the pain, the heartache, she finally gets to marry her best friend.

But there's a flip side to that. My best friend got married at 19, her husband 20. They have a beautiful baby girl and their life is incredible. I find it so cool when couples get to grow up together. When they get to learn more from each other because they're less established in who they are. How cool to say you were high school sweet hearts?

Or I look at my brother and his wife. Not only is she older than him, but they had what most people would call an unconventional wedding...they got married at a court house! But you know what? That story fits them like a glove. And now they have the most beautiful daughters I've ever seen.

I look at my parents, my dad and mom both immediately knew they'd met the one. But that didn't stop my mom from being scared to death and breaking up with my dad 5 times in the 2 years they dated before she finally agreed to forever with him. It shows me that true love doesn't ever give up.

Or my great aunt and uncle. He is 8 years younger than her and lied to her about his age until they were engaged because he knew she was the love his life. Even though she probably should've broken up with him ( kidding of course ;) ) love knew no bounds. Even when an older woman marrying a younger man was taboo far more than it is today.

I look around, I see all these different loves, and it makes my heart happy. Because I've realized something that I don't think I ever had before... Since the day I turned 18, I've been worrying about who my special someone is. Do I know them? Where will I meet them? Will they be older? Younger? Tall? Short? What's his personality going to be like? Will his family love me? And so many other questions. But I've realized that God is faithful, and because of that, I know he's out there somewhere. I know i'm not the only one who gets caught up in trying to figure everything out. Trying to make things happen. But I do know this, I have been blessed to witness and be a part of so many beautiful love stories, that I can't ever complain. I've been blessed because of other people's love for one another. I can't force doors to open or shut, and I can't magically know who that person is. All I can do is trust in my Savior, and know that regardless of the circumstance, if I'm serving Christ and following his will for my life, I'll get a unique story of my own someday.

So I guess I wanted to encourage all of my fellow singles out there. Whether you're 16 and have already found the love of your life. 35 and unwed. 10 years apart either way. Or wondering if you're ever going to meet the person of your dreams, remember that since the beginning of time God thought you out, he thought your soul mate out. And in his perfect timing, the story will come together beautifully.

The beauty of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I love how unexpected Jesus is. Not how he can be, but how he is. Because, at least in my life, he never works in the same way twice. And I am never bored in the moments that I truly seek him. In fact, in those moments, I'm never more alive!!!

The past week, I have encountered the glorious love of The Lord Jesus Christ in a way I had forgotten existed. A way different than ever before, yet familiar all the same. All week he has been digging at me, taking away the old, and bringing in the new. Getting rid of the muck, and bringing in the light. And it's been beyond words. I've realized things I've allowed into my life that shouldn't be there. Things I didn't even realize didn't bring glory to God. And I wonder why I let them bother me. I look around at the lives of other believers, other believers I respect and admire who do the same things I was doing, yet I somehow know that for me, they're wrong. And to be quite honest, I always wondered why that was. I would think, " Here's this amazing person who loves The Lord, doing the exact same thing is me, yet I constantly feel convicted about it." And then finally, my question was answered. It was SO simple, yet so life changing. On Saturday night I walked into church, and I was expectant. My soul had been craving teaching of the word deeply the last week. I sat with two girlfriends, and the evening service began. I lost myself in worship as I hadn't in months. Surrendering myself to The Lord, and feeling him chip away even more that was me and not him. As we sat and offering went by, I began to feel thankful. I figured a really good worship session was to be my big blessing of the night. And I was wrong. Because it was only PART of it. Our senior Pastor began to give the message, and I felt my heart convicted in ways I hadn't thought of in months, years, ever. He spoke on rediscovering the awe of God. And it was tremendous. There were several things that hit me, but one in particular was when he said " Yes, when we believe in Christ we all as believers have salvation. However, I'm going to be bold enough to say that all of our relationships with Christ aren't the same. Because the more you draw near to God, the more he'll draw near to you. If you want a good relationship with Christ, a life fully lived for him, than you better obey him immediately. " I sat there dumbstruck. That was it! That was the answer!!! When I drew closer to The Lord, things in my life, maybe not even 'bad' things, began to fade away. Probably not because they were inherently evil, but because the closer you draw to The Lord, the better the things he has for you are. Better than you could ever imagine...I walked out of church and knew that this month was to be set aside for The Lord in a way I'd never done before. Let him work his will into my life until he was all that shined through me. Until none of me is left. I know this is a lifelong process, but I also know that forming habits is hard to do when you let every day distractions in. So I deleted my facebook app on my phone. This may sound silly  to most people, but I'm telling you, I haven't checked facebook since Saturday night, and this is what The Lord has already done!

Sunday morning I awoke feeling a sort of "bring on the day" feeling. I was full of joy, and full of The Lord. I knew He was working in ways I couldn't ever expect. I get to church and I begin to work a bakesale with a few of my friends. I bring up this idea I had talked about with one of my friends months ago, and we'd never gotten around to it. But all week I had felt the prompting of The Lord, resurrecting this dream within me. Out of nowhere my friend goes "let me text Cheryl right now so we can talk to her about it." Cheryl is our senior Pastor's wife. To my great surprise, she showed up and loved the idea. We started talking details, and through prayer and fasting, the first meeting of this idea will be happening in November. Holy.Cow. Isn't that crazy?!? A little step of faith for something I've been longing for and God answered it on the spot. HOW GREAT IS HE!?!?!? I then saw a precious friend walking around with her baby boy. I hadn't seen her in years, but we'd always kept up through facebook. She has been a constant source of encouragement in life, and to be quite honest, I knew I was going to miss our correspondence while I was giving facebook up! We chatted for a few minutes and again, I was blown away by how God blesses when we choose to give something up because he asked us to. After first service, I headed to the youth group. The Middle School and High School were meeting together for a day of worship. I always love when we do this, because The Lord seems to always work in great ways. I walk in and greet several students that I've grown to love. Some new some old, and I was excited to see their hearts of worship. It always blesses me. And that service was no exception. It was one of the sweetest worship sessions I have ever been a part of. My heart was so full of love for those kids, love for my Savior, and joy because I knew that there was no turning back. I tell you what, there is nothing better in this world than getting to work with kids, and see them fall deeper in love with Jesus. For the first time in years, I had tears fill my eyes during worship, because it was so pure. So incredibly beautiful. After that glorious session, I went to dance with my fellow Israel travelers. Once practice was done, I drove home with my windows down, blasting worship music. I entered my neighborhood, and several kids were outside on their bikes enjoying the sunshine. I smiled at them as I drove by, and pulled up to my house. As I was parking, I noticed a little girl on her bike. I smiled and she smiled back, she seemed to be waiting for me. I turned off my car, gathered my things and got out. I smiled again as I looked at the girl, and she promptly said, " can I ask you a question?" "Of course!" I reply " Are you a Christian?" I smile even bigger at this precious girl, " Yes! I sure am! Are you?" At this point she's glowing. " Oh! I wasn't sure, because I heard your music and I wondered 'Is she a Christian?" I began chatting with this young girl. She's in 5th grade and very involved in her Church. She told me that when she grows up she is going to be a missionary to China. Her genuine love for The Lord blessed my very soul. Here was a precious, innocent little girl, so un tampered with by the world. And my hope and prayer for her is that she never loses hope of that dream. Because I remember having faith like that once. And I am beginning to remember what it feels like to live it. We chatted a while longer, and then parted ways. What a blessing. And today, after my first job, I stopped at chick fil a to get myself some lunch. The last meat i'll be eating for a while. I ordered my food, worship music playing again, and I noticed the gentleman in front of me staring at me through his car windows. I didn't think too much of it. As I was waiting to drive up to the window I thought " You know, why not? I'm going to pay for the meal of the people behind me." I pull up to the window, and to my complete shock, the woman said " The gentleman in front of you paid for your meal." I beamed and told her I would like to do the same for the people behind me. I couldn't believe it! God works in mysterious ways. I hope that that gentleman caused a chain reaction!

So this is my point, I suppose. Drawing nearer to God sounds intimidating. I'll admit there have been times, and until recently I WAS scared to give it all up. To give my life, my relationships, my hopes and desires completely to my Savior. The thought of giving him full control is terrifying, until we do. Even if it's piece by little piece, your life WILL begin to transform. You will no longer be seen, but Christ in you will shine. How glorious! I guess I just wanted to encourage all of you because, we have the power to change this world, and I don't want to offend anyone, but we're not going to do it by living mediocre Christian lives. We're not! We are called to stand boldly and courageously in our faith because we're not in control of anything anyway! Christ alone is! Let him chip away at you until the only thing that people can see is him! Because after all, there is nothing in heaven or on earth as glorious as our Savior.