Today. Today

Today. Today has been hard and great all at the same time. I suppose that's how life has been a lot lately. Every day is filled with resounding joy, but also deep pain. But I wouldn't change it. This last month has really been the most challenging and rewarding one I think, of my entire life. Learning to put my sole trust in Christ while everything seems to fall apart, and everyone wants me to be something. Whether good or bad. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm right where God wants me, for His divine purpose. Today. Today was the first time I saw little man as the sick little boy he is, not the boy that I knew had cancer, but could only have known by his sparse head. He had his all day chemotherapy treatment yesterday, and today was hard. His agonizing cries, and the tears falling as he leaned his head over his yellow bucket to puke. his little head on my shoulder, and his little sister just trying to be a little girl. Yet all the while, knowing something is wrong with her big brother. All the while I'm trying to hold back tears. The vomit doesn't bother me, the solidarity of the day doesn't either. But I can't stop thinking of the family, of little man. Today. Today when little man's dad came in the afternoon to take him to the hospital for a shot, and getting a call from the parents saying they won't be home on time because little man spiked a fever,and me reassuring them that I will stay all night if need be.

But I can't stop thinking of the family. Of little man. It's not fair. Plain and simply. It isn't. Cancer is EVIL. Yet through all of it I STILL know that God is sovereign. This job is way harder than I anticipated it being. But... not in the way you would expect..
Today. Today out of the blue, I had a job offer to be on the radio again. They wanted me for sports radio or entertainment news. My choice. This is unheard of. Especially in Denver, and especially for a girl who's only experience was school, and an internship at KYGO. But I instantly turned them down. I told them I was caring for a very sick little boy and there was no way I would abandon him. I thanked him for the offer and told him I would let him no if anything changed, but I couldn't accept the offer. He was shocked. I think the majority of people would think I was crazy for doing such a thing. Radio is certainly a more established "career" than caring for kids. And I'm telling you right now that it is a far easier job than caring for kids is. Even when all of them are perfectly healthy. But the truth is, I don't want to just have a life and a career. I want my life to make a DIFFERENCE. No, the world doesn't see being a nanny as a big accomplishment... but I certainly do. What is more of an honor or ministry than getting to play an influential part in the life of a child? Honestly, it's hard to think of one. My being a voice on the radio, talking about Peyton Manning or Emma Watson would be a blast. I don't doubt that for a moment. But there's no depth to it. No life. I believe that any place you work is a place where you're presented with an opportunity to share Christ's love. In fact, it's more than just an opportunity, it's an obligation. But as the wisest man in the world, King Solomon said in Ecclesiastics, all of that is meaningless. I may never get to be an advocate for anything deemed great or important in this world. My voice may only reach a few. But as much as I fantasize about it, a life of fame is not what I'm seeking. What I'm seeking is a life full of Jesus. A life full of love. One so overflowing, that the love Christ has placed in me would refresh and renew the brokenness of those around me. THAT is the kind of life I long for. The legacy I want to leave behind. And as I spent today caring for two amazing kids, one fighting a devastating battle; I know beyond anything else that I'm right where God wants me. The world can say what they want about the path I'm on right now. But there will always be opportunities to make myself a "career" if that's the path God takes me on. So try as they might, they won't deter me from the path I'm on right now. Because I have an opportunity to love in a deeper way than I ever could've imagined. So today. Today was a great day.