I'm not quite sure what it is about spring time that makes couples get engaged, but the truth is every year since I've graduated high school, this is the time of year where friends decide to start their lives with someone. For the first few years after school, I would see two, maybe three engagements a year and even that was weird. But low and behold, this year, I see two or three engagements a WEEK. I'm not even kidding you either! And for a moment, I couldn't help but feeling WAY behind in the process of love. But in the last few days, I've become more and more thankful that I'm not even on the path to my happily ever after.
I suppose you could say I've been " In love," twice. The first time I think I really was. The second, I think I was trying to make myself be. But with both, and really every random guy that's been considered in my head for even a second, I never really fully grasped what it meant to be in love. You see, growing up in the Christian culture that I did, I was bombarded with all different kinds of messages. While my parents encouraged fun, innocent, recreational dating, there were others that made me feel as if I were a heathen if I ever got butterflies thinking about what it would be like to kiss that really cute guy in youth group. And all the while, I'm trying to figure out why I don't feel quite right dating recreationally, yet I wasn't quite ready for marriage, but gosh boys were cute, so what in the world is a girl to do?
On the surface, I am sure I seemed just as hormone-crazed and confused as the next teenage girl, but deep down I had a desire so precious, so untouched, and so cherished that as an adult, I look back and can't help but be a bit jealous of that sweet dream in that young girls heart. That desire, that dream was to someday find the love of my life. I know, I know. That's nothing special, I get it. Heck, I could guarantee you everyone wants to find the love of their life. I know. But it wasn't just that. The desire was for a man so on fire for the Lord, that his dream was to change the nations. My desire was for a man that would pursue me, cherish me, be chivalrous, point me to Christ, and treat me like the most beautiful, amazing gift he had ever received. He would be someone that I could serve the Lord with, raise up a godly family, laugh with, cry with, be best friends with. I didn't wonder if a man like that was out there for me... I KNEW he was. But somewhere between 18-23, I lost that dream. And only recently have I started believing in it again.
For some of you that know me, you know that when I was 19, I had my heart broken big, and bad. I fell in love with a wonderful boy, that I believed was the one that would help make that desire in my heart real. And he did. For a while anyway. I had never experienced anything like being in love before, and it was the sweetest most wonderful, real thing. To me, it didn't matter that we were still kids. I knew that no matter what life threw at me, I would do anything to love him. What I didn't realize, was that I had put our relationship, and my idea of what I thought that boy wanted above God, and above who God had created me to be. For years, I've asked God why he allowed me to love and lose, and why it was and sometimes still is so hard to come to terms with. I challenged God with the fact that incredibly godly men were about as rare as a pin needle in a haystack, so why did he take the one I'd found away from me? And the truth is... I don't know. I don't believe as I once did that that love will come back into my life. But I also never believed that God could bring a love as good, or better into my life either. I honestly believed that I had had my experience for love, and that someday I would meet a good, nice guy and that I wouldn't ever be fully in love again. And I really thought I was okay with that. Which is why when I "fell in love" again, that guy seemed to be just what I was looking for.
Don't get me wrong. The second guy I fell in love with, was too, a wonderful guy. He had things about him that would've made any girl swoon, and I'll tell you what, that boy loved me. He would've given me the world if I had asked him to, and in a way, I sort of did. It was so unfair of me to take advantage of his love, but I did. And it breaks my heart when I think about it. I wasn't ready for love when we got together. I still hadn't figured out myself, still hadn't worked through hurt. I never imagined I would be one of those girls who got into a relationship to make herself feel better, but that's what I did. And after months and months of him trying to find a way to make me fall in love with him as much as he was with me, I finally had to end it. I realized I couldn't say yes to a proposal I suspect he was planning. I couldn't just have a good guy who loved me unconditionally. I wanted to love someone back wholeheartedly, and fiercely, or I didn't want a relationship at all. And that leads me to today...
For the past 8 months, I've been working on myself. Getting to know myself, who God created me to be, what he wants from me and for me. It has been a wonderful, heart wrenching, complicated, amazing journey so far. I've been learning to face and deal with the demons of my past, while looking to the future with uncertainty and excitement. I've never once taken time to truly be single, and honestly, I encourage every single person to do so while you still can. It's been so so so amazing. But for the last few weeks, I feel the Lord is finally bringing the subject of love back to me. He has been restoring that desire and that dream within my spirit. He has been showing me that the love I once was certain of, is really out there. The sweet, innocent, glorious kind of love that I thought was only for a little girls imagination.
Recently, I've gotten hooked on the show 19 kids and counting. To be honest, I think the Duggar's kick butt. I respect the way they've chosen to do life, and though I don't think I could ever be that conservative of a person, I applaud them. If nothing else, they are a kind, compassionate example of Christ in a very scummy world. But lately, I've been watching the episodes where two of the sisters begin to fall in love, get married, start families, etc. And I have to say, it was a tremendous reminder that that real kind of love is out there. My mom and I just watched the sister Jill's wedding, and the one thing we were both taken by was the pure, innocent, joy and love she and her now husband have for each other. It was so untainted, so fresh and real. And more than anything, it was full of incredible hope.
I guess with all my ramblings, I wanted to focus on one very important thought... That kind of love, the kind Jill Duggar and her husband have for each other, the kind I dreamt about as a girl, is out there for you and for me. But it isn't possible unless you and I choose to fully submit ourselves to the Lord, and I don't just mean you need to be a Christian. Love like that can only exist because God brings it into someone's life. But it can't be with selfish motive or desire. It can't be to fulfill you, or make you happy. I'm not saying you can't date. I'm not saying you can't sign up for a dating service online. But I truly do not believe you can fall in love, the REAL kind of love, until you fully fall in love with Christ first. I say this, because every single married Christian I know has told me that when I meet the right one, I will "just know," that they're who God has made for me. But I can only know that if I know the voice of God. I pray that each of you fellow singles in the church will join me in this grand quest of knowing our Savior deeply. I don't want church to be a place I go in hopes of finding a guy, and not finding my Jesus. I don't want to try and make myself appealing so that the opposite sex will notice me, I want someone who will notice my heart first. I don't want a stranger asking me on a date, I want someone to pursue me in friendship first. I don't want someone who wants a selfish goodnight kiss, but someone who cherishes the sweet sacredness of one. I want someone set apart from this world because I too, am choosing to live set apart. It's a rare thing these days. Even in the church. But the love I want isn't produced from cheap imitations, it's produced from the real thing.
Ladies and Gents, though it seems impossible, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our time will come. I don't think it's bad to wonder and think about who your person might be. Military? Cowboy? Musician? Artist? Missionary? Whatever. But don't get so caught up in the wondering of who they might be, to forget about who God made YOU to be. He will bring the right person along in his due time, and we will all look back so thankful that we waited patiently. I hope that this post brings you hope, renewal, and the belief that true and lasting love is out there, and it begins with a man named Jesus Christ.
No comments:
Post a Comment